I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
