Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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