oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
