im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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