She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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