one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
