i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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