i permit you to call me
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
