also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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