i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
