He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
