Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
