dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
