i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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