I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
