I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
