Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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