i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
