That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
