Whod you bang
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
