the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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