Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
