I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
