I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
