i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
