He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
cat food counts as protein by the way
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
