I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
