I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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