I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
