Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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