It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
