a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
