the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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