just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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