I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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