I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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