shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
