Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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