Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
