Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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