i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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