Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
