it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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