____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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