Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
