Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My pussy is not your playground.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
