I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
