i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
