Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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