Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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