I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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