I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
