so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
