i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Randomize
