My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
